@Tylerosis

There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.

@Tylerosis

When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?

@Tylerosis

I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?

@Tylerosis

What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?

@Tylerosis

I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.

@Tylerosis

Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.

@Tylerosis

Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.

@Tylerosis

Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON

@Tylerosis

“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.