I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.