I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
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I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.