Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
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Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
still the best tweet of the year by far
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
I had to Stop for this
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Schrödinger’s cookie
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
How software testing works
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
new record!
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/