DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
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Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Sex so good you see dead people.
😍😂🥰😂😍
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Breaking news:
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true