As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
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Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.