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@UNTRESOR : Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
@UNTRESOR: J.R.R. Tolkien's full name is Jolkien Rolkien Rolkien Tolkien.
@UNTRESOR: If video games taught me anything it's that you don't need to work because there's precious gems just laying around everywhere.
@UNTRESOR: God has left this place
@UNTRESOR: Why bother drinking water? You're just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn't want you to know.
@UNTRESOR: "Sorry, boss. I can't come in today."
[fakes a sore throat]
"I'm in jail for vehicular manslaughter."
@UNTRESOR: Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the "pull out" method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
@UNTRESOR: Condoleeza Rice's less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
@UNTRESOR: Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I'll just sign up with a different name. They can't silence the truth.
@UNTRESOR: Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it's that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.