[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
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FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Make new friends? bro out of what?
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.