My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
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An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.