How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
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Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
I’m ready for Halloween this year
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Roses are red, you always mattered,
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.