“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
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[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
scares
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.