If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
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*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.