Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
You Might Also Like
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
True.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.