It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
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they should invent a type of situation that improves.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
August 8
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Still a very good boi….
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.