@U_Want_Shum_M8

I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college

@U_Want_Shum_M8

A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends

@U_Want_Shum_M8

One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day

@U_Want_Shum_M8

Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery

@U_Want_Shum_M8

I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle

@U_Want_Shum_M8

*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?

@U_Want_Shum_M8

My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE

@U_Want_Shum_M8

ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..

APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable

@U_Want_Shum_M8

-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-