[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
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moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.