I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
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Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison