Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
You Might Also Like
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Rt to bother an English speaker
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.