If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
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I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…