sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
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My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
scrabbled eggs
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?