They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
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Cucumbers Anonymous
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
😏😏😏
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.