The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
You Might Also Like
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!