Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
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mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
$3 #books
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.