I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
You Might Also Like
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Merica.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.