WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
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“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Boating season is upon us.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
eggs benadryl
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*