@UnFitz

If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.

*pee

@UnFitz

Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.

@UnFitz

Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”

@UnFitz

Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”

@UnFitz

Hey, my eyes are up here.

Nope. Higher.

– snails, probably

@UnFitz

Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.

Me: Secretly? No.

@UnFitz

Pro tip:

Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.

@UnFitz

The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.

Bartender: I see bread people.

@UnFitz

*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*

@UnFitz

Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah