Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
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@UnFitz : I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
@UnFitz: Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: ... That’s a blueberry.
@UnFitz: *puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
@UnFitz: Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
@UnFitz: Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
@UnFitz: 7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I'm glad this isn't a gambling addiction.
@UnFitz: God: They shall remember your journey and your sacrifice.
Jesus: Thank you, father.
God: There shall be a bunny.
God: And chocolate eggs.
God: Shhhh. I’m enjoying my new creation, marijuana. Don’t harsh my mellow.
@UnFitz: [horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You're supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
@UnFitz: “You can do better than that.”
- people who don’t know me all that well
@UnFitz: I've got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One's just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.