Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Follow us on Instagram. That's it, don't make us say cringy things like YouTubers say at the end of their videos. Click here to follow us

Page of UnFitz's best tweets

@UnFitz : I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.

@UnFitz: Her: I can’t eat all that.

Me: ... That’s a blueberry.

@UnFitz: *puts you on pedestal*

*vacuums where you were standing*

*takes you off pedestal*

@UnFitz: Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.

@UnFitz: Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.

@UnFitz: 7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I'm glad this isn't a gambling addiction.

@UnFitz: God: They shall remember your journey and your sacrifice.

Jesus: Thank you, father.

God: There shall be a bunny.

Jesus:

God: And chocolate eggs.

Jesus: But-

God: Shhhh. I’m enjoying my new creation, marijuana. Don’t harsh my mellow.

@UnFitz: [horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You're supposed to say-
H: Just pour.

@UnFitz: “You can do better than that.”

- people who don’t know me all that well

@UnFitz: I've got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One's just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.