If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Hey, my eyes are up here.
– snails, probably
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah