Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
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@UnFitz : Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* ...Dammit. Over.
@UnFitz: Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
@UnFitz: Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
@UnFitz: 40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
@UnFitz: Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
@UnFitz: Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
@UnFitz: “Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
- Dad Medicine 101
@UnFitz: "An eye for an eye?"
- a cannibal at a swap meet
@UnFitz: Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
@UnFitz: Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.