@UnFitz

One day you’re young and the next thing you know you’re yelling at someone for sitting on “your” park bench.

@UnFitz

I’d take a bullet for you.

No, not one that’s been shot from a gun. Before that.

I’d steal it and run like hell.

@UnFitz

People in the Central Time Zone need to pick a side.

@UnFitz

An oversized cargo ship wedged firmly in the Suez Canal, but it’s me trying on my pre-pandemic jeans.

@UnFitz

“I didn’t eat the garbage“ said my dog, although his banana peel hat told a very different story.

@UnFitz

Me: I’d take a bullet for you.
Her: Just empty the litter box.
Me: No.

@UnFitz

Me: Can’t. This weekend is a holiday for my people.

Him: Oh, you’re celebrating Passover?

Me: *hiding Lobsterfest menu under my desk* Passover…yes. That’s exactly what I was referring to.

@UnFitz

Her: *eats entire croissant without shedding a single crumb*

Me: *touches croissant; it explodes into sandstorm of crumbs completely filling a 6-ft. radius around me*

@UnFitz

You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.

@UnFitz

Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.

Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.