One day you’re young and the next thing you know you’re yelling at someone for sitting on “your” park bench.
I’d take a bullet for you.
No, not one that’s been shot from a gun. Before that.
I’d steal it and run like hell.
People in the Central Time Zone need to pick a side.
An oversized cargo ship wedged firmly in the Suez Canal, but it’s me trying on my pre-pandemic jeans.
“I didn’t eat the garbage“ said my dog, although his banana peel hat told a very different story.
Me: I’d take a bullet for you.
Her: Just empty the litter box.
Me: Can’t. This weekend is a holiday for my people.
Him: Oh, you’re celebrating Passover?
Me: *hiding Lobsterfest menu under my desk* Passover…yes. That’s exactly what I was referring to.
Her: *eats entire croissant without shedding a single crumb*
Me: *touches croissant; it explodes into sandstorm of crumbs completely filling a 6-ft. radius around me*
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.