[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
Me: But we’ll get through it.
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.