Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of UnFitz's best tweets

@UnFitz : Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.

Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* ...Dammit. Over.

@UnFitz: Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.

I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.

@UnFitz: Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.

Cat: Secretly? No.

@UnFitz: 40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.

@UnFitz: Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?

Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”

@UnFitz: Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”

Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”

@UnFitz: “Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”

- Dad Medicine 101

@UnFitz: "An eye for an eye?"

- a cannibal at a swap meet

@UnFitz: Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?

@UnFitz: Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.