[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*
“Please continue to hold…”
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.