@UnFitz

[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.

@UnFitz

“You can do better than that.”

– people who don’t know me all that well

@UnFitz

I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.

@UnFitz

“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”

*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*

“Please continue to hold…”

@UnFitz

For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.

@UnFitz

Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.

@UnFitz

Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.

Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.

@UnFitz

They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.

@UnFitz

*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*

@UnFitz

This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.