why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
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My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Sending in my taxes
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
I thought this was funny lol
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.