@UnFitz

“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”

– inventor of velcro

@UnFitz

Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?

@UnFitz

Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.

Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?

@UnFitz

[blind date]

Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit

Her: *looks*

Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*

@UnFitz

A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.

There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.

@UnFitz

If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,

@UnFitz

Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.

@UnFitz

Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.

Change my mind.

@UnFitz

Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”

@UnFitz

Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.