Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of UnFitz's best tweets

@UnFitz : 10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?

Me: Well, son ...

[to be continued]

@UnFitz: If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.

I don’t make the rules.

@UnFitz: Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it's science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What's fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.

@UnFitz: “What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.

@UnFitz: Them: You have a choice-

Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.

@UnFitz: I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.

@UnFitz: Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.

Me: Silently? No.

@UnFitz: Me: Waiter, there's a fly in my primordial soup.

Waiter: Sorry, sir. I'll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.

@UnFitz: Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?

@UnFitz: “This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.