You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
When someone says “I have a secret,” they don’t intend to have a secret for much longer.
Me: What is it with this bottled water-
Reply Guy: Um, EXCUSE ME, don’t you mean “bottled dihydrogen monoxide”??
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Waiter: Will you be dining alone tonight, sir?
Me: Yes. And I can hear the judgment in your voice, garçon. Did my mom put you up to this?
When my daughter was 2 she pointed at a squirrel and shouted “Look, a scurry-el!” so if you’re still using the old name you need to get with it.
Couple walking by my house:
There’s a grown man making snow angels! It’s nice that he’s kept his child-like enthusiasm.
*passed out drunk in my front yard*
She got me a heart-shaped pizza made with cauliflower crust, talk about mixed messaging.
Apparently the best way to save someone from natural selection is to refuse to hold his beer.