@UnFitz

You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.

@UnFitz

Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.

Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.

@UnFitz

When someone says “I have a secret,” they don’t intend to have a secret for much longer.

@UnFitz

Me: What is it with this bottled water-

Reply Guy: Um, EXCUSE ME, don’t you mean “bottled dihydrogen monoxide”??

@UnFitz

When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.

I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.

@UnFitz

Waiter: Will you be dining alone tonight, sir?

Me: Yes. And I can hear the judgment in your voice, garçon. Did my mom put you up to this?

@UnFitz

When my daughter was 2 she pointed at a squirrel and shouted “Look, a scurry-el!” so if you’re still using the old name you need to get with it.

@UnFitz

Couple walking by my house:
There’s a grown man making snow angels! It’s nice that he’s kept his child-like enthusiasm.

Me:
*passed out drunk in my front yard*

@UnFitz

She got me a heart-shaped pizza made with cauliflower crust, talk about mixed messaging.

@UnFitz

Apparently the best way to save someone from natural selection is to refuse to hold his beer.