@UnFitz

“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.

@UnFitz

Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.

@UnFitz

Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*

– cats

@UnFitz

[dog training]

Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…

Dog: *sits there*

Me: What’s wrong, boy?

Dog: *hands me Purell*

@UnFitz

Her: What’s with the microscope?

Me: Looking for my comfort zone.

@UnFitz

Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.

Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.

@UnFitz

Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.

I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.

@UnFitz

Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.

Cat: Secretly? No.

@UnFitz

40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.

@UnFitz

Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?

Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”