Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of UnFitz's best tweets

@UnFitz : Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.

@UnFitz: horrifying if literal: the electric slide

@UnFitz: Her: How pathetic can you be?

Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.

@UnFitz: "We've got all the time in the world" said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.

@UnFitz: [at work]

Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!

Me: Well, you know me, always working!

Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*

Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*

@UnFitz: [first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?

@UnFitz: Her: How do you feel about legalizing marijuana?

Me: I’m ambidextrous about it.

Her: Um, I think you meant to use a different word.

Me: [a joint in each hand] Oh, how embarrassing.

@UnFitz: [first date]

Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: ... book?

@UnFitz: I remember when things only cost an arm.

@UnFitz: A curse:

May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.