horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Her: How do you feel about legalizing marijuana?
Me: I’m ambidextrous about it.
Her: Um, I think you meant to use a different word.
Me: [a joint in each hand] Oh, how embarrassing.
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
I remember when things only cost an arm.
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”