@UnFitz

horrifying if literal: the electric slide

@UnFitz

Her: How pathetic can you be?

Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.

@UnFitz

“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.

@UnFitz

[at work]

Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!

Me: Well, you know me, always working!

Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*

Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*

@UnFitz

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?

@UnFitz

Her: How do you feel about legalizing marijuana?

Me: I’m ambidextrous about it.

Her: Um, I think you meant to use a different word.

Me: [a joint in each hand] Oh, how embarrassing.

@UnFitz

[first date]

Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?

@UnFitz

I remember when things only cost an arm.

@UnFitz

A curse:

May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.

@UnFitz

You call the carnival ride dangerous.

I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”