@UnFitz

[breakfast]

Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.

Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.

@UnFitz

*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*

@UnFitz

Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*

Me: What was that all about?

Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.

@UnFitz

[first date]

Her: Are you wearing a wire?

Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*

@UnFitz

Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?

@UnFitz

Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?

Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”

@UnFitz

Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.

@UnFitz

Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.

[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?

@UnFitz

Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?

@UnFitz

Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.