Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.