teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
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“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Lol.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.