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Page of UncleDuke1969's best tweets

@UncleDuke1969 : I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.

I told him, "You did a good job, but it's actually supposed to go in like this."

I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.

There is no moral to this story.

@UncleDuke1969: COP: "How’d the pizza go missing?"
HIM: "It was the cat."
COP: "There was no cat."
HIM: "Someone broke in."
COP: "The doors were locked."
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: "There's cheese on your nose."
HIM: "I want a lawyer."

@UncleDuke1969: Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.

@UncleDuke1969: I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.

@UncleDuke1969: “This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”

TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”

@UncleDuke1969: HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: "Why is she being arrested?"
COP: "Fraud."
HIM: "I don't understand."
COP: "She was faking it, sir."
HER: "I'm so sorry, Stan."

@UncleDuke1969: *puts nose where it doesn't belong

*is caught with hand in cookie jar

*loses head

*makes elbow macaroni

*gets fired by funeral home

@UncleDuke1969: Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.