Funny Tweeter

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Page of UncleDuke1969's best tweets

@UncleDuke1969 : ME: *points at my "World's Greatest Dad" shirt*

CO-WORKER: *points at his own "World's Greatest Dad" shirt*

ME: *takes a sip from my "World's Greatest Dad" mug*

CO-WORKER: *sips from his own "World's Greatest Dad" mug*

ME: [eyes narrow] *draws "World's Greatest Dad" sword*

@UncleDuke1969: [broken down by the side of the road]

ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.

@UncleDuke1969: When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”

@UncleDuke1969: Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the 'Zombie Apocalypse'?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.

@UncleDuke1969: I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.

@UncleDuke1969: [funeral home]

DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.

@UncleDuke1969: ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.

@UncleDuke1969: [Marvel pitch meeting]

“C’mon, just hear me out...”

“The answer is still no, Ted.”