Funny Tweeter

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Page of UncleDuke1969's best tweets

@UncleDuke1969 : [first date]

ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?

@UncleDuke1969: COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.

@UncleDuke1969: SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.

So, what seems to be the problem?

I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.

@UncleDuke1969: My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.

@UncleDuke1969: My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.

@UncleDuke1969: *quits cold turkey*

*looks for 'emotionally available' turkey*

@UncleDuke1969: *goes produce shopping*

Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I'll be right back.

*minds peas & queues*

@UncleDuke1969: KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.

@UncleDuke1969: "My advice? Don't have children. They're horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?"

"OK, Daddy."

@UncleDuke1969: I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.