Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
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I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
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[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
me before I type out affect or effect
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime