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Page of underchilde's best tweets

@underchilde : I like to watch other people sleep to make sure I’m doing it correctly.

@underchilde: You say you write your best tweets in the shower.

I say you haven’t showered in weeks.

@underchilde: There’s not enough time in the day to stop and tell people they’re wrong.

@underchilde: I don’t need to use WebMD because my mother always knows a person who had something similar to me, and she remembers how they got rid of it.

@underchilde: Three Most Insane Extreme Sports:

1. Solo Climbing
2. Running of the Bulls
3. Family Reunions

@underchilde: Me [at work]: I think I’m having a heart attack.

My boss: Do that on your own time!

@underchilde: I was sad nobody would go jogging with me, so I threw a rock at my neighbor, and when he started chasing me I felt much better.

@underchilde: You could probably master Mandarin while waiting on the last bit of laundry detergent to drizzle into the cap.

@underchilde: Do doctors actually use drugs to induce comas or is it just easier if they start talking about golf?

@underchilde: Sometimes I worry my girlfriend will get kidnapped and that reporters will want to talk to me and I won’t be wearing designer jeans.