I don’t need to use WebMD because my mother always knows a person who had something similar to me, and she remembers how they got rid of it.
Three Most Insane Extreme Sports:
1. Solo Climbing
2. Running of the Bulls
3. Family Reunions
I was sad nobody would go jogging with me, so I threw a rock at my neighbor, and when he started chasing me I felt much better.
You could probably master Mandarin while waiting on the last bit of laundry detergent to drizzle into the cap.
Do doctors actually use drugs to induce comas or is it just easier if they start talking about golf?
[At neighbor’s barbecue]
Neighbor: How would you like your steak?
Me: At my house with no any company.
I compared thee to a summer’s day because I hate summer.
A jury of my peers would just be 12 people who hate that they had to get up before noon.
Sorry I totaled your car. I saw your kid made the honor roll, so I let go of the wheel to applaud.
Me: “So what do you like to do when you’re not working?”
Her: *Drifts in and out of consciousness*
Me: “Me too!”