ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
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[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons