Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
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8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
me hooking up with my ex
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates