I SAID YES!!! πππππππππ β€οΈβ€οΈβ€οΈβ€οΈ someone asked if I was alone for valentineβs day!!!
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I my rage I texted my friend βI made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it youβ.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say Iβm going Christmas shopping when really Iβm just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
me: if i had a time machine iβd eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
Today is the birthday of Erwin SchrΓΆdinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
βLMAO WHO DID THISβ β me as a homicide detective
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, thatβs when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
me: letβs change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldnβt possibly. Iβm late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
βyouβre too pretty to be so sad.β
aww well youβre too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.