morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
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so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*