@UnicornSyrup

To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.

@UnicornSyrup

Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”

Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”

Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”

Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”

@UnicornSyrup

I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.

Worst. Transformer. Ever .

@UnicornSyrup

WARNING: If someone sends a link to download the new Nickelback single, DON’T CLICK ON IT! It’s a link to download the new Nickelback single

@UnicornSyrup

“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”

@UnicornSyrup

Anyone who says their wedding day was the best day of their life, has never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine.