Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
You Might Also Like
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.