I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
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“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?