Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
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Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you