[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
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Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
mom had nothing to worry about
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Its a hippotatomus