The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
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i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
My neck my back my allergy attack
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
that’s really how it is
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath