Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
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Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
That’s amazing.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.