Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
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I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage