Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
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Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Give a baker flours on your first date.