I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
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Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..