I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
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Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
how much for the angry fruit?
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad